Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Joe Biden Enters Presidental Race

Democratic Sen. Joe Biden officially entered the presidential race today. He feels his 34 year Senate career coupled with nine months of unofficial campaigning has prepared him for this moment. Speaking to The Associated Press Biden said, "After nine months of doing this, there is no exploratory committee - I'm running."

Our Washington insider, The Parrot, shook off his hangover from Cheney's birthday party at the Final Drill and met Senator Biden for some breakfast.

P: So a white guy, a black guy, and woman walk into the Democratic Convention... Just kidding, I think I'm still drunk from last night Cheney wouldn't leave the Final Drill. He just kept raving about that oil shower dance, he must have seen it twenty times, Lynne's gonna be pissed.
B: I love the Final Drill, it's the best titty bar in town. Great scotch too.
P: You can say that again. Ok, you've been in the Senate for 34 years so you're obviously not for term limits, but you have done something out of the ordinary for a presidential candidate. You've proposed a plan for ending our involvement in Bush war II.
B: Yes Parrot, I have a radical philosophy that government should be about ideas. Yeah, with massive amounts of misdirection and bullshit, but occasionally some understandable communication needs to happen. My war plan can be read at Iraq: A Way Forward.
P: I was really impressed at the fact you put it up front on the home page of your site. You even have a drop down menu for the issues.
B: I've found that in order to get things done and affect change some critical thinking needs to happen. I hope to differentiate myself with ideas.
P: Senator I plan on meeting with you in the future to see how things progress, but for now well played sir.
B: Thank you.
P: Let's celebrate, two of your finest scotches please. Time to bite the dog.
B: Keep'em coming, I got a complimentary Gold AMEX for sponsoring that bankruptcy legislation. Gotta keep the constituent companies happy. You know Delaware is the leading state for credit card and finance companies.
P: Your lucky I'm still drunk so I don't want to get into that right now. I'll just be happy getting free scotch from all the little people who couldn't pay they're bills. Fuck'em, and oh yeah vote for Biden all you Democratic working class poor. Who needs good credit anyway.

The two enjoyed their morning scotches and promised to discuss things further in the future.

Further research:
Joe Biden Homepage
Biden officially running for president

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Congress Searching for its Role

After several years of bowing to the current administration it seems some in congress vaguely remember something about three branches of government. The controversy escalated when Sen. Russell Feingold, D-Wis., said, “The Constitution makes Congress a coequal branch of government. It’s time we start acting like it.” "You could hear a pin drop," one anonymous Senator stated. "It was as if someone had awakened a deep memory, like trying to remember what happened after Kennedy's last stock the bar party. There were a lot of painful expressions, some embarrassed some desperately trying to keep the truth suppressed in their subconscious." It only got worse when Democratic Sen. Barbara Boxer of California stated, “Read the Constitution, the Congress has the power to declare war. And on multiple occasions, we used our power to end conflicts.”

It's unclear where this debate may finally rest, a committee has been formed to look into what an unnamed Republican member called "a complete waste of time and resources, we're in a war against people who hate freedom." The committee’s first goal is to form a panel of the most respected and feared middle school civics and social studies teachers to shed some light on what are checks, balances, distribution of power and the general workings of government. The committee chair said they will institute a policy of, "no congressman or woman left behind; there will be a standardized scantron test after the panel discussions. Only those who pass will be able to vote on recommendations the panel puts forward."

Since it was Cheney's birthday the Parrot was scheduled to meet him for some scotch and figured he'd ask the Senate leader a few questions about the unruly session.

P: What do you make of this latest move by congress?
C: I take my birthday off to have some scotch and get loaded. What does Congress do? Dig up this ancient document and a form a committee to explore it. Look, when the constitution was written our founding fathers couldn't anticipate we'd be in a war with people who hate freedom. The document was written to address freedom so by definition it can't help when dealing with people who hate freedom. This committee is an embarrassment and waste of time that will certainly embolden our enemies. Let's not discuss this on my birthday, I don't want to get my pressure up. Let's go over to that new club called the Final Drill, I heard they have an oil shower dance there that I'm dying to see.

With that the Parrot accompanied Cheney to the Final Drill, but only for the scotch of course.

Further research:
New Congress to test bounds of its war powers

Monday, January 29, 2007

Obama Getting his Act Together in Hollywood

Steven Spielberg, Jefrey Katzenberg and David Geffen have invited Barack Obama to a high-profile fundraiser to be held at the Beverly Hilton Hotel on February 20th. For the Democratic presidential candidate it's an import opportunity to gather much needed funds and solidify some entertainment industry endorsements. The industry players are quick to point out, however, that just because they're holding a fundraiser doesn’t mean Obama is indeed they're presidential candidate. It's common for that community to donate money to numerous candidates in order to keep debate alive.

Todd Boyd, a professor at the University of Southern California's School of Cinematic Arts says, "What I'm finding interesting is that Obama is not the immediate favorite of a lot of African-Americans - he came up through the system, not the grass roots like Jesse Jackson. At the end of the day, race and gender are a major factor but not the only factor. Hollywood will line up and see how these things play out."

Our Parrot was lucky enough to catch up with Senator Obama and discuss his early thoughts on the campaign.

P: Senator Obama, why do you think African-Americans are not immediatly choosing you as they're presidential candidate like they did with Jesse Jackson?
O: Jesse has more experience with traditional urban issues. He's a baby daddy, doesn't speak proper English and was a member of a posse that endured a tragic shooting.
P: So he keeps it realer?
O: That's the perception.
P: Can you change that?
O: Well parrot, that's one of the reasons we're having the fundraiser at the Beverly Hilton Hotel. You know who own's that don't you? Can you say sex tape? Once that puppy comes out, Geezs, talk about keepin it real. We have the creative movie making power of DreamWorks behind this. There will be no night vision goggles, no annoying chatter, just straight keepin it real.
P: Hillary Clinton is apparently worried about just such a scenario as she refered to you as "Long Dong Silver" in an earlier interview with me.
O: Well, that ho has a lot to worry to worry about. I'm not ashamed to stick out of the current crop of presidential candidates, if you know what I mean.
P: Senator Obama this is making me a little uncomfortable, I haven't even had my first scotch of the day yet. Can we please focus on the issues?
O: I'm a Democrat and a professional politician not to mention a Senator. I don't have a position, on the issues, if you know what I mean.
P: That's it Senator I can see we're getting nowhere here and I have a bottle of Laphroaig 15 waiting at home.

That was the end of that as the disgusted Parrot darted out to wash away the dirtyness with his Laphroaig.

Further research:
Obama excites entertainment community

Friday, January 26, 2007

Bush the 'Decision-Maker'

Constitutional scholar President Bush reiterated to Congress he's the "decision maker" today as they consider his request for more troops in Iraq. He also stated that lawmakers who disagree with the plan, "have an obligation and a serious responsibility therefore to put up their own plan as to what would work." As a concerned citizen I have trouble deciphering any plan, putting 21,500 more troops in Iraq is not a plan. What are they going to do? According to the Parrot's chat with Cheney they are going to build an oil moat around Baghdad. I really hope that isn't the case, but it's the only explanation I've heard.

Per the President's request, since we disagree with his "plan" we had the Parrot meet with him to discuss an alternative course of action.

P: Mr. President we have a four prong plan that will accomplish our goals in Iraq.
B: Four prong, like a fork. I'll call it the fork plan. I like to eat with a fork. After I eat I like a nice scotch. Hey, Parrot you want a scotch.
P: Sure I do love scotch, but I thought you weren't drinking anymore.
B: Well, as you may or may not know I'm the decision maker so now when I talk Iraq I decided to drink. We wouldn't be here today had I not made that decision. You gotta problem with that?
P: No, Mr. President (taking a sip of his scotch). Our four prongs are as follows:
1) Work with Syria and Iran. Incorporate some of their ideas because it's their neighborhood and they're familiar with the regional issues.
2) We need to employ as many Iraqis as possible. People generally like to make a living and if you're working you're not figuring out where to place the next IED.
3) Rebuild the infrastructure. With the amount of money we've poured into that country they should have the best hospitals, utilities, public transportation etc.
4) figure out how to bring Al Sadr into the mix. He's a major headache right now and would be easier to bring into the fold than try and fight. Not that we couldn't whip his ass, but messing with religious fanatics rarely goes well.
B: You forgot one.
P: What's that Mr. President.
B: Chickenbutt
P: Sir, that isn't how the joke goes. You're supposed to say "guess what" then I say "what" then you say "chickenbutt".
B: I decided it doesn't go like that anymore. The new way is I say "you forgot one" then you say "what's that" and I say "chickenbutt". You see, it's important to keep the enemy guessing. In fact where's Tony? Hey get in here Snow. Make sure you add that to our plan. Announce it at our next press conference.
P: Mr. President that's already your third scotch.
B: I know, did you hear the great idea I just had?
P: Sir, I would like to get your thoughts on the plan we proposed.
B: I just told Tony to unveil it at our next press conference. Parrot, I hate to cut this short, but I feel it was a very productive meeting, we need more dissenters like you. Thanks for the input. Oh look at the time, it's time for Cheney's oil bath he likes me to heat it up to 82.5 degrees for him. He's very particular you know.

At that the Parrot was escorted out by the secret service, but not before refilling his scotch.

Further research:
Bush: 'I'm the decision-maker' in Iraq troops

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Cheney Won't be Stopped

Vice President Cheney defended his administration's war policy last night in an interview with CNN's Wolf Blitzer. When asked what their biggest mistake has been in Iraq Cheney responded, "I think we underestimated the extent to which 30 years of Saddam's rule had really hammered the population, especially the Shia population, into submissiveness," he said. "It was very hard for them to stand up and take responsibility in part because anybody who had done that in the past had had their heads chopped off."

Submissiveness?!? Doesn’t that mean easy to control? Hard for them to stand up and take responsibility? Then why did they vote in huge numbers then parade their ink fingers all over TV? Talk about an insulting, patronizing, bullshit answer. This is offensive to Iraqis and Americans. Americans because who is dumb enough to believe this crap? That's not an answer, if we are going to fix what we helped create, from helping Saddam to killing him, then we need to take some responsibility for the current situation.

Since Cheney was granting interviews we had our very own Parrot meet up with him for some scotch and conversation.

Q: What is your fondest personal memory?
A: Walking out of the church with Lynne on our wedding day under the open oil wells. It was glorious. Some folks blow bubbles, throw rice or walk under swords, but nothing beats the romance of raining oil.

Q: What are the 20,000 more troops going to do?
A: Build an oil moat around Baghdad to keep out insurgents.

Q: Why has the executive branch been so powerful the last eight years?
A: The other branches allow the constitution to constrain them. We don't even have a copy of it in the office.

Q: What legislation would you like to see passed?
A: A constitutional amendment that states the contents of the Bill of Rights are only suggestions to be followed at the President's discretion.

After that the meeting went sour when Cheney asked, "Have you ever been covered in oil? Birds love oil right? I know this great little place up north we can go." That promptly ended the Q and A session as the insulted Parrot slammed the rest of his scotch and left.

Further research:
Cheney: Senate Resolution "Won't Stop Us"
Cheney: Talk of blunders in Iraq is 'hogwash'

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Bush's Announces Healthcare plan

It was something about taxes and healthcare spending that nobody knows for sure will work. Not to mention it's so convoluted with time frames, tax brackets and state to state differences one needs a damn CPA, lawyer, hospital administrator, and physic to tell if it will work.

Here's the real deal - Healthcare providers raise prices constantly to increase profits. That's how the free market and capitalism works. You strive for a price point that maximizes revenue. You don't strive for a price point where everybody can have one. If the country/government/Bush wants everyone to have healthcare let's be honest and say some fundamental changes must occur. Not to the whole economy or the entire business world, but to the industries whose goals should be for everyone to have one. This country has enough history and experience behind it to tweak its capitalistic model a little bit. Capitalism is the way to build a country. It constructs things and gets industries started, but there comes a point where the country can and should be more.

The Parrot reached Bush for comment and he said, "We must send more troops to Iraq and Al Qaeda hates freedom." He also noted "why do I care? Halliburton don't provide healthcare. Do you think Cheney is going to let me spend time on this healthcare you speak of? Sometimes you journalists are just retarded." The proposal also relies on people making more cost effective healthcare choices. What the hell is he talking about? People have to go where there insurance demands. Does he mean I can chose between a bag of marijuana ($20 - $40 with no doctor expenses) and a bottle of valium? I don't think so.

Further research:
What Bush's health plan means to you

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Scooter Libby Set for Trial

Libby's trail has finally been set, the jury is selected and everything is ready to proceed. The former Chief of Staff for Dick Cheney is on trial for covering up who outed CIA agent Valerie Plame to reporters. The big news is Cheney himself is rumored to be taking the stand during the trial. Cheney isn't worried as he believes he will be able to pick off Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald from "anywhere in the courtroom." The Vice President has experience shooting lawyers and believes that will come in handy. "I think of the witness stand as more of a sniper stand. I wasn't even looking when I shot that other guy in the face. Imagine what I can do with a proper stand while taking my time."

Monday, January 22, 2007

Hillary Joins the Race

This past weekend Hillary Clinton announced her intentions to run for President. The move came as no surprise as Hillary herself had commented on many occasions, "I have no intention of running for President." When asked why she announced so soon after Barrack Obama she replied, "My husband worked hard to accomplish many things while he was president. He set the record for most B.J.s received while on the phone with foreign dignitaries, largest gang bang in the oval office, and he stole the coveted title of 'Most Interns Nailed' from JFK. The last thing I need is Long Dong Silver coming in and tarnishing his legacy."

Hillary has been notoriously hard to pin down on the issues, a fact which is underscored by the lack of substance on her website. One can learn more about her personal history than where she stands on the issues. The one thing she has made clear is that it will be a great honor to be the first President to have her box munched in the White House. "I know Bill is proud of what he did while President, but to be honest it was a little embarrassing. I have waited 8 long years for a chance at payback." She has even considered installing web cams to capture the long awaited revenge, but has given no final word yet.

Friday, January 19, 2007

The House's 100 Hours Over at the 87 Hour Mark

The U.S. House of Representatives ended its 100 hours of legislation at the 87 hour mark today. It was fairly productive with the speaker enacting some no smoking policies around the office and the passing of some nonbinding resolution about the troop expansion. When asked why they didn't just call it the 87 hours of legislation Pelosi stated that the American public doesn't understand numbers like 87 or 63 or 42 they need simple ones like 10 or 20 or 100. She added that at the beginning some of the new members wanted to work extra hours or maybe on the weekends to hit the 100 hours promise, but that was voted down in an effort to "not set a bad precedent". The new members were then taunted and threatened to have their page privileges removed. Pelosi expects no more problems from the junior members.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Gonzales has mad skills

It's good to know that Gonzales has the stand up character to give that meddleing Constitution the treatment it deserves. In a Senate Judiciary Committee hearing on governmental eavesdropping changes Gonzales stated that the Constitution clearly gives Congress and the executive branch roles in time of war. “And at the far end, you’ve got the power of Congress to declare war,” Mr. Gonzales said. “I think at the other end, you got the core, sort of commander-in-chief authority to say take that hill. And then things get kind of murky.”

Amazingly brillant! Can you say "I did not have sexual relations with that woman"? Take that Constitution. Your pesky ass won't be fucking up this war.